Friend Groups
Night of Diwali, I carpool home.
Not with my close friends,
But I’m still getting home.
I use my voice to be a part of the conversation,
But realize it was futile.
It continues to happen the entire ride’s duration.
I replay the scene,
And realize my voice made no effect on the conversation.
I then decide to just stop trying.
Why should I try if they’re not trying
To make me feel included.
I tried to make myself included.
I’m thankful I’ve already learned
People pleasing is not my concern
They bounced jokes off each other in the front seats
While I stayed in the back seats
I say this
But as I write,
I realize I’ve done this
But does that make it right
Because I know what it’s like to be on both sides;
I’m thankful I grew up knowing both sides
Interview
KT: Alright, listeners. You just heard from a former student of mine, Arshpreet, who I had the pleasure of teaching in fifth grade and is now in college. Let’s begin… My first question to you is: Is this answering the prompt of, umm–What prompt were you answering?
AK: This prompt that was, like, write about a time when you didn’t feel included. Describe the place, the time, and then how you felt… and then, you were like… it was that one.
KT: Oh. My question now, then, is: Did you not feel included because the jokes and things they were saying might have been more culturally not relevant? Or, just–more like…
AK: No. So, they are in an already established friendship–the people in the two front seats. Right? And, if you are driving someone home and–I mean, they know me–and they were having a conversation. And, I would try to make a–be part of the conversation, you know? Like, make a joke, or laugh, or add something valuable to the conversation. Like this, this, and this. But, it was as if they didn’t even hear me. They continued on. They continued with their friendship without acknowledging the fact that ‘hey, I’m dropping someone off at home. And, maybe I should talk to them because we know her.’… Then, I would say stuff and they would just continue looking at each other and talking to each other. And, I was like, wait. Did they even register what I just said? So then, it’s like, why should I even try? I am just going to stay in my line. You can drop me home. Whatever. But, I thought we were friends.
KT: Mmhmm. What do you mean by, you “know what it’s like to be on both sides”?
AK: So, for me, I know what it’s like to–So, right now, I… Even in high school, there was this thing like when you are in a friend group and the inner circle makes plans or something. And, you are the outer circle that gets left out. I’ve been part of the outer circle. I know what it’s like. There’s little things when you are working on the sidewalk, and they don’t even realize that you are walking on the dirt, or the grass, or something. You know?
KT: Mmhmm.
AK: Stuff like that. Or, when you’re walking as a group and you know you’re just away from it. Just stuff like that–I know what it’s like when people are hiding stuff from you, or they don’t want you to be there. But then, I’ve done this, too. Myself. I’ve realized I did this to someone else. A week before Diwali, a girl was at our dorm. And, I didn’t really want her to be there because I was with my three close friends. Like, we are like a trio, right? And, I basically did what happened to me in the car. I wouldn’t really acknowledge her, but every once in a while I would go, “oh, yeah, Arsh did that… so and so did this…” and I would go back to my main people. And, I remember after that day, I was like, “why did I do that?” But, I am glad that I realized it. And, the only reason I realized it was because I was on both sides. So, I know, that is bad. I shouldn’t do that.
KT: Do you think this issue is something that affects a particular age group, or do you think it’s something you felt more-so in college?
AK: I honestly think it affects every single age group. I feel it happens in workplaces, too. Even at my work, but I am new. So, I am not complaining. But, they already have an established coworker friend group. So, they will go out or make plans in front of other people. And, it’s like, ‘bro, we are all coworkers and we’re a pretty small team.’ So, I feel it would happen at other job places, too. It’s just like–I don’t know. It doesn’t hurt to include the other person. And, I realized that when I did it. When I did it to that one girl, and after the entire day, I was like, ‘Did I lose anything with her being there? No, I didn’t. She had fun; I had fun.’ So, I don’t know why. Sometimes it hurts. And, this is just a very simple situation. But, sometimes it hurts and creates drama.
KT: Have you seen it even before? Like, in elementary, middle school, or high school at all?
AK: In high school, yeah. There was this–I made plans with someone in the “inner circle” and then the other inner circle person found out, ‘oh, she is hanging out with me.’ She was like, ‘No, cancel those plans. You are coming with us.’ Like, to the girl I was supposed to hang out with. And I was like, ‘Bro, chillax. You are not that entitled. You are not entitled to always be with everyone. And, everyone to be with you and where you go.’ There are other people in the friend group. And, I just feel like friend group dynamics are so insane. At least in college now, I am just realizing that it’s crazy.
KT: So, do you have any advice for people listening to you? Whether–regardless–of what age they are?
AK: I would just say, don’t get attached to the friend group. They will seem like amazing people. People will seem like interesting people to you. They will seem like the world to you. But, they are not. You are the world. At the end of the day, the only person you come home to is yourself. I feel that is the first step. For me, in college, I am so glad that I went to San Jose State and I moved out because I truly learned that in my first year of college. Like, the person you come home to every single day is yourself. And, that is the only person that should matter. Like, don’t get attached to the world. Don’t get attached to people. Just admire them–I don’t know.
KT: I like that. So, do you have any prompt for those listening as well? So that they can either write or extend any conversation you want to inspire.
AK: Like a prompt for a poem? Like a writing thing?
KT: Mmhmm.
Prompt:
AK: Write about a time where you realized that you are the only person in your life that is permanent. Because that’s an important realization to have. And, I feel everyone should have that realization.