Daily Routine
The mirror is a thief.
I wake up and wash my face
I look in the mirror
I turn away in disappointment.
Another day and my acne has not phased
I return to the mirror to lather my face
in creams and powders to conceal my shame
Feeling ugly to society’s standards
even with filters and makeup is a feeling unmatched
Prescriptions make it worse before it heals
But what do they know, I hide when a breakout is unlatched
Family’s comments come from a place of concern
But what do they know, having my hair down covering my cheeks is the result
A friend cracks joke about a pimple
But what do they know, I fake a laugh to uplift their confidence as they shatter mine with an insult
A girl stares in the mirror and complains of a single zit
But what do they know, I can’t look at myself in the mirror for more than a bit
I come home and wash my face
I look in the mirror
I turn away in disappointment
Years later,
I face the scars of the acne I once rebelled against.
My confidence remains shattered
I build it up piece by piece
Day by day
Makeup and filters remain my peace
But even still I despise my complexion on display
For I am robbed day and night of my confidence
The mirror is a thief
Interview
KT: Alright, nice. My first question is: What prompt were you responding to?
CDK: I was responding to the prompt about confidence and low self-esteem.
KT: Is this actually based on, umm, your own personal thing, or is it something that you’ve read about, or something else?
CDK: No, my actual—like, I been having acne for a few years now. And, it has its ups and downs. So, I wrote it based on personal experience.
KT: Do you think others can relate to what you are talking about in terms of acne and the mirror itself?
CDK: I think this can be seen as: how you see yourself in the mirror in general. It does’t have to just be acne. It can be—umm—I know a lot of not only girls, but girls and guys my age, have body disformia (dysmorphia?). And, at an age (I’m 19), so we are still trying to figure ourselves out and having confidence is a big part of that. And, I think, building that confidence is what we’re doing as teenagers and as we go into college and try to figure ourselves out. And, this isn’t just about acne, but just how we see ourselves and how we respond to others’ comments and others’ views on us.
KT: Your confidence is looking a lot on beauty or standards of what someone should look like. Where do you get those messages? What do you think is the ideal beauty? And, what do you think feeds younger people to want to look a certain way?—What is that certain look and what feeds people to want to look a certain way?
CDK: Social media carves a really big—paints a really big portrait—on what a guy or girl is supposed to look like. A girl is supposed to have fair skin and clear skin… and [be] tall and skinny. That’s just what we see gets the most attention on social media, so that’s translated into the beauty standards, I feel like… Well, can you repeat the question one more time?
KT: So, you’ve talked about what kind of feeds it, which is social media. What is that look that people are going for? How would you describe it? What is beauty?
CDK: I feel like everyone has their own—each culture, I feel, has their own—definition of beauty. I know in my household and in just the Indian community in general, fair skin is a really big thing. There’s like bleaching skin products out there that are just supposed to make your skin lighter because that’s the ideal beauty standard. And, also being tall is really what people want their kids to end up looking light. I know a lot of family members compliment mine and my siblings’ height every time they see us because they’re like, “They are so nice, and tall, and skinny.” But, it just plays into what society kind of used as—I don’t think it’s so much that we put our definition into what’s beautiful. We kind of let society define it for us, which, I think, answers the question.
KT: If you were to give advice to someone who was struggling with this—like, they don’t have confidence—what kind of advice, or what kind of words, would you want to give to them?
CDK: At the end of the day, they are going to forget what they said to you. But, even though you might remember it, you’re the one that’s giving their words meaning. If someone were to tell you that, “Oh, you’re mean.” And, you know you’re not. Then, their words could not make such an impact on you. So, if someone tells you that you are not beautiful, the only reason you believe it is if you give the words meaning.
KT: Wow, ok. Umm, how about for yourself? Are these things you are still conflicting with or is this something in the past?
CDK: Umm, honestly, I think not as bad as before. Because I remember in high school or in my freshman and sophomore year of college, I wouldn’t want to leave the house if I had a really bad breakout. And, even if I put on make-up, I would wash it like two or three times until I liked how it looked. But, now, I’m ok with going out without anything on my face, and I think I just learned to ignore any negative comments from people. But, it still remains an insecurity. It’s just that I focus more on the health accept more than, “Oh, am I trying to cover it up just so I can look good?” But, I am genuinely more focused on medication and trying to heal my skin instead of just trying to meet a standard. Because I know I don’t have to have clear skin in order to feel pretty. I feel comfortable going out without anything on my face where a few years ago I would want like a whole layer of makeup on my face. So, I think I improved personally.
KT: Is there anything else you want to add?
CDK: I know that being around someone who kind of puts themself down can also impact how you see yourself. Like, in the line of my poem, I said that, “A girl stares in the mirror and complains of a single zit/But what do they know, I can’t look at myself in the mirror for more than a bit”. Personally, I’ve been in a situation where, if I see someone complaining about something that I have much worse but they didn’t realize it, I would make them realize that. “Look, I have a lot more than what you are complaining about. But, that doesn’t mean that your complaint is invalidated. But, look at me, I am not letting it affect me that much.” I feel like everyone has a different approach on how they deal with things. And, it’s just good to have a support system. If you try to put your friends on the right path, then it would indirectly put you on the right path as well.
KT: Nice… A question—well—I think it’s very relevant though. I think a lot of people are going to relate to what you are saying, especially because it is so personal to you. And, it’s not something a lot of people like to talk about and to be vulnerable about… Do you have any prompts that you might want the listeners to respond to so that you can add to this dialogue? And, they can respond in a poem, a letter, or any other medium. But, what would you want them to write about if they were to continue this conversation?
Prompt
CDK: Either they could write about how they have faced a similar hurdle in their life where they struggled with self confidence, or how they would approach someone else going through this—like a close loved one.
KT: I think that would be an interesting spin-off. Since you talked about—being the one…
CDK: I would like the listeners to respond to how they would approach—say a loved one or just a friend—going through a hurdle in their life, battling self-confidence, and low-self esteem.
KT: Yeah, that sounds perfect. And, it would be a very interesting spin-off and continuation to what you said. Before we end the recording portion, would you be able to read your title and the poem one more time?
CDK: Yes
KT: Thank you so much for being vulnerable and sharing something that many others can relate to.
CDK: Yeah, thank you for giving me the chance.